Death Raven

Shopping and Diversity in Concord. It just amazes me that in Concord, which is a suburb and not one celebrated for its cultural diversity, there are so many opportunities to learn about other cultures and experience ethnic foods.
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Some people do drunk posts. I'm doing an endorfin post because I just got back from the gym.

I need help from my lj-friends who can web-sling. I have been fiddling with my website. It seems to load slow on my computer AND I have to hit refresh to get all the colored background to fill in. Any suggestions? Or am I the only one seeing that? I am learning by trial and error... lots of error to go around.

I have life, but it's a dull roar. I prefer the dull roar to the tsunami of destruction.

Work continues to hound me and amuse me. I'm getting bored with my job; I like it when the boss is out because his job is more interesting. ... uh oh...

Miss E had a melt down when I wanted her to do her book report tonight; she had it in her head that it was already done. It wasn't so we did it. What does a first-grader book report look like? There's a list of options. Tonight we made paper-sack puppets and she put on the puppet show of "The Billy Goats Gruff," which is the story we've been working on. She even did different voices for each billy goat and the troll. I laughed out loud.

Super N has been super mellow. Which is great because the bigger they get, the bigger the boat rocks when they cross the line. Tonight his homework was done before I picked him up so he got a reward: 30 minutes of computer games. At some point this weekend he and I will go bike-riding.

A few thoughts - feel free to ignore.

1. My heart is crying for Aldith. It sucks. I've been there.

2. If someone has an apology, don't hide behind your keyboard. Statistically, 93% of a message is non-verbal. So a key-board apology is only a 7% apology. Get off your butt and go deliver the other 93% in person.

3. Freeze Drying, aka, Lyophilization, is totally cool. I wish I had some liquid Nitrogen and a vacuum pump. Muh-ha-ha... the things I could do!

4. My girl asked for "Egg without Oke" tonight. heh. We are still giggling.

5. I am ready to fire up the sewing machine and put the students through their paces... errr... "ready to nurture and encourage with gentle enthusiasm... like always."

6. Huge congrats to Leotulf and Gillian. I am thrilled I will have someone to swear fealty to. (The current Misties are pretty rockin' too.)

7. I want my loved ones to take care of their health. I can't do it for you, but I won't ever give up on trying to lure you out onto bike rides and runs. And when I say I believe in "better living through chemistry", it means I can't live without Diet Coke, it does not mean I think we should be taking meds because we've neglected our well being.

8. I blew it at the Freeze-Drying seminar today. I am with a bunch of strangers at the Hilton in Burlingame. (Which is a 4hr/day commute, fyi...bleck). Over lunch Older Guy across from me is telling us how his daughter walked away from an internship "because she didn't like her boss."
He scoffed and said she was "a nut". I commented that it takes a lot of strength to be a woman in the science/technology community. He rolled his eyes and said he didn't really see why.

You know, I distinctly felt my big red button get depressed, but I didn't feel any anger or any rush nor any flush to my cheeks. I felt calm, strong and superior in the knowledge of my experience. Usually there's an emotional response in me, but there wasn't.

I didn't hesitate to respond, though. I leaned forward and stage whispered so that everyone else could hear us, "I bet no one has ever looked down your top, I'm sure you've never been sent to make the coffee and I doubt you are the first person people frequently turn to for recording action items and for the decision log. Perhaps your daughter recognized a boss who did not value her and she cut her losses before he could convince her that she was just a woman and not a person of intellect."

yeah... I totally should have said nothing. He bristled a bit. Honestly, there's no way I could know his daughter better than him and he totally deserved to bristle at me. He said that he's never experienced or seen such a thing.

"Well, people won't treat you the way they treat women. But perhaps you've always worked somewhere enlightened. We're not all that lucky."

blah blah blah. I know I pissed him off. That was just a bit of sop for his ego. I was impressed that he took the conversation in a new direction but 10 minutes later he commented thoughtfully that he's never judged someone by their gender and he didn't think that such things happened anymore. I decided to let it lay. Nothing new to accomplish, but maybe his eyes will be open. And maybe he'll be more approachable for his daughter. Or maybe he'll stop describing her as a nut.

And the rest of the table? Yeah, I think they pegged me as a fire-brand. I'm taking my running shoes tomorrow and going running on the shore-path. I'll just skip the whole social "pop quiz" over lunch.

an LJ comic strip I enjoy. Often funny. Frequently sarcastic. Just to take the edge off all the serious crap on the radar. Scroll back to 10/06 for the Scooby Doo spoof

beatonna

Last night I had a slice of heaven.

Daddy picked the kids up from school and they beat me home. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I got home from the dentist to hugs and kisses from all and he was starting dinner. I plopped down to watch him putter in the kitchen. I think I had the biggest smile on my face all night. The kids flanked me with their homework at the kitchen bar-top and I spread my attention between them and daddy. I kept bouncing up and running over to hug F. He was a little nervous - couldn't figure out why I was so giddy and huggy, asking me what was up and being suspiscious (maybe I had a new credit card purchase to spring on him? a plan to clean the garage? an overbooked weekend to spring on him? he was waiting for the other shoe to drop). I just told him I was happy to have him home before bed-time. We had homework done in time to eat together and then we all piled on the sofa to watch TV. Miss E zonked out on Daddy's chest while Super N used me as a back-rest and laughed with us through a TV program. They went to bed and then we snuggled without the kids squeezing in between us.

It was amazing. I think this is how everyone else lives. I want more of that.

tonight? well, it's 10pm and he hasn't called yet. That tells me he's doing his nightly conference call from the office (which is 70+ miles from home) and he'll call right before he heads home. sigh.

I'll just close my eyes and relive last night.

Decline due to Moral Weakness in Women( as quoted here )

I haven't worked an 8hour day since the Friday before Crown and I haven't been to work since 10/6. And it's totally pouring out and I have to scurry from building to building all day. pheh! Guess where I totally don't want to be right now? Yup. Work.

So I shall relate something that had me laughing pretty hard. ( Miss E narrates Tournament Finals )

Funny things kids say/do:
Miss E says she doesn't want kids because (drum roll) they'd want to sit in MY lap and there just isn't enough room for her and her (non-existent) kids in my lap. I laughed. I assured her that there'd always be room in my lap for her AND that it's too soon to worry about having kids.

Super N has a new trick. He snuggles in under my arm and then sneakily reaches up to tickle me in the arm-pit. He thinks he's so sly, but he actually has this adorable "sneaky" expression so I know he's up to something even before he strikes. But I don't tell him that he's telegraphing because it's how I'll stay one step ahead of him (which is how I maintain my Super Mom status) AND it's so adorable I don't want him to mask it. In fact, it's so adorable that I start laugh as soon as I see it, even before he strikes. After he strikes I have to lesson him in Tickle-Fu of course, and I am a Black Belt in Tickle-Fu. There is much screaming, squirming, gasping, and laughing when Mommy throws down with Tickle-Fu. And yet... tonight I expect he'll try his sneak attack again. :-D

The rest of this post is about Miss E, Barbie dolls, and birthday wishes.

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My brain is full to the brim.( of no particular import )

1. F is feeling better. Yay. (He wasn't doing too well on Sunday, which is a huge understatement, but I don't want to explain or go into more details right now. I'm just glad he's home, feeling sassy, and full of smiles.)

2. The dishwasher is installed. Hooray!

3. I had today off for bereavement leave. We head up to Portland tomorrow (instead of today/tonight), so I had the whole day to relax, putter, and unwind from recent super-duper stress.

4. I ran 4+ miles today outside on the lovely trail nearby and I really got to enjoy the beauty of the day and scope out some cool back-yards. (I love looking at how people have done their backyards.)

5. It's officially slow-cooker season in our house and I did my first roast. Nom nom nom.

bonus round:
art... I duz art. Fiber art. yay!
kids ... got portraits done. I will share behind a cut so that their blazing cuteness doesn't blind everyone. I put in a shot of each from when they were 2, as well. I can't believe how lucky I am.
house.. annie came today... I love annie (like that song, "I love candy".)
Idle enjoyment... new season of NCIS has started. Both of the first 2 episodes made me cry.

( the light is so bright )

and in memory of Evalyn Bodkins, who has inspired me for the last 20 years and for whom I named my daughter. You were a pillar of strength who cared for your family in the hardest of times, who always put others first, and who didn't hold back from saying the hard things. I will miss you everyday.
( pictures )

Freedom of Speech, Baby! Learn it. Love it. Curtail mine at your own risk.

When I was growing up, I was bullied. Bigger, cooler kids made me afraid to stick up for myself. They hurt me physically, they taunted me, and everytime I backed off, they gained power over me. I had teachers harrass me in high school because it was clear that I was mousey and my parents were too afraid to stand up for me. When I was in college several of my instructors let me know who had the power: the organic chem teacher at CSM litterally told me to go home and have babies. He gave me a "D" in my lab book because he expected "girls" to have better hand writing. The mechanical engineering instructor lied and screwed me over with an "F". My senior project group dumped all the work on me. When I worked at UL I was bullied, harrassed, and litterally threatened with a golf-club. The golf-club guy was protected and I was fired.

Occasionally (super-rarely) I fought back. Buses seem to be my thing because I have been in MULTIPLE fist fights on buses; maybe it's the tight quarters. Like the guy who spit a loogie on me when I was in high school. I went completely nuts with anger and had an out-of-body experience... like someone else was moving my limbs. When I snapped back in and could feel my skin again I was standing over the spitter whaling away in his face, blood spurting from his nose as he tried to protect his head from me. I'd moved 6 feet and climbed over the back of a seat to corner him and beat the shit out of him. That's the fury of a bully-victim snapping. But that was the exception, not the rule.

Always the message from my parents and colleagues was, "Be quiet and maybe it will go away."

I'm not going to be quiet. I'm not going away. I'm not going to let anyone bully me. I have my rights. If you try to curtail them, I will happily tell you to go fuck yourself. I will joyfully bring on all the fury of someone who's been kept down and who's looking for some payback. No measure is too extreme when it comes to defending myself or for standing up for what's right.

Silence is just another weapon that bullies use to gain power. I'm not going to be silent. Ever.

I think everyone needs some perspective. In the real world I deal with costly, stressful decisions that impact the welfare of people who use our medicine. At home I don my Super Mom cape and try to teach my kids to believe in themselves and to be good citizens. In my free time I don't want drama. In fact, at home we have a saying, "Drama means time out in your bedroom".

So on the one hand, the shenanigans going down in the SCA are not life-threatening and on the world-scale of events, are minor. However, they bring unwelcome drama to an activity that's supposed to be fun in a sandbox that claims that integrity, honor, and chivalry have value. And it's a sandbox I play in because it's supposedly the one place where my personal value of integrity is the norm and not the exception.

I finally have time to put my thoughts here.
( IMO )

I am deep in thought and perturbed about recent drama.

I feel a long philosophical post coming. Maybe tonight if I can tackle the mountain of dishes in the kitchen. It has to do with bullies, Big Brother, our rights to peacefully gather, our rights to speak out, and laziness. Laziness of thought, laziness in allowing events to follow a course without speaking out, laziness in following protocols (i.e. the rules)... Choosing to be silent is still choosing. Allowing someone else to make your choices is still choosing.

Life has been too busy to post much.

In brief:

-Super N has been getting into fights at day care and school. ( Read more... )

-Miss E apparently has no fear. She stopped my heart 2x at the Susan G Komen "Race for the Cure". She'd been walking next to me and in front of me and suddenly she was GONE!!!!! She apparently took it on herself to stop and was swept away by the crowd both times. Did I freak? OMFG YES! And did she freak? No. She seemed perturbed that it took me so long to find her - no fear at all. ARGH! Super N bounced along for almost the entire 5K of the "race".

-We (still) have no dishwasher. The family is tired of the same old take-out, so Friday we took the kids to Thai. The kids like deep fried taro root (I told them it was Thai French Fries). Super N LOVES chicken satay (without sauce) and chicken in mild curry. Neither likes spring rolls. Miss E... well, she didn't eat much and got hungry later on. But Super N was a total pleasure to eat with. It makes him fun to take out.

-Susan G Komen on Sunday was fun. Took BART.

-Layoffs at work shortly. At least the guess-work and speculation will end. So will some of our jobs... sigh.

-Mom R had shoulder surgery. She didn't come out of it smooth but new drugs have been acquired.

-Still no dishwasher. sigh.

-took a friend bike riding on Saturday, proving I could do that WITHOUT breaking someone. Yay.

There wasn't enough drama? Really? Really! Come on.

Best Moments Last weekend

1. Arriving at midnight on Thursday and my friends coming to help me get settled in. We unloaded most of my stuff onto the ground and the kids and I slept in the truck - saving set-up for Friday morning.

2. Super N riding his bike. First time evah! (we've been working on it, but had no success previously).

3. The rockin' breakfast team Friday morning. We were prepared, pre-cracked, pre-sauted, and on time.

4. Leading a splash attack and C! and S! in the lake. Having failed to swim faster than the current and the wind (I was trying to rescue a flotational which got away) I turned around to discover Super N drifting into deep water in a tube near me. Then Kayleigh and Ian swam up to the tube. I paddled over, dubbed them pirates and told them we were going to board Uncle C's raft...Arrrrr! Then Haley swam up and joined the team of mini-pirates on a stealth boarding mission. It was fairly successful... I was impressed that they got into the swing of "Shhh... we're sneaking"... they all even silently slid off the tube and lunged at C! at my signal. I have them down as recruits for future cookie raiding missions.

5. I thought I was going to spend more time directly supervising the kids. They, however, ran as a pretty orderly pack. Occasionally we reinforced boundaries, but mostly we let them settle their own disputes and kept an eye on them from the distance. Many times my eyes would wander from the task or conversation at hand to count noses, but I never felt like I needed to weigh in and break anything up. That was cool. And I probably need to lighten up on my kids... maybe... a little tiny bit.

There was lots of schmoozing, quality conversation, board games, card games, and shenanigans. I was with my favorite people in the world.

And there was LOTS of bacon this weekend. It was bacon heaven. No one skimped on the bacon they provided for their breakfasts and it was good. And the LOX OMG!!! yum. I need to spend some time with Ysa and learn about salting fish and pickling.

However.... (dum dum dum)... I haven't been able to run or bike since the race because of the hole I wore in the back of my left foot and I've been enjoying some of my favorite comfort foods for the last week. I suspect the bill will be steep when I step on the scale. Oh well. It's not like I don't know how to eat right. My foot is almost healed and today I'm recommitting myself to tracking my foods, cutting back on crack... errr... "carbs", etc. Strangely, I feel super accomplished with the race under my belt and instead of freaking about not having done better (I still don't have official times, but I doubt I pulled a 9:30 mile for the run), I'm planning and excited. F will be late from work tonight so I'll hit the gym when he gets home; planning to do weight lifting which won't require any hopping around in shoes. So... I guess I'm fat and happy. Soon enough I'll be back in my target weight range and my run time will be down and my shoulders will be buff again. Just as I'm sure that in a year or maybe longer I'll drift out of range again and have to recalibrate.

Life is about change. I'm trying to roll with it.

and proud.

Super N's virtues were extolled to me when I went to get him (and his sis) tonight. The new (and therefore wet behind the ears) after school program teacher was impressed with him; he read aloud to other kids, helped out in class, etc.

Initially when a (wet behind the ears) teacher says he/she needs to speak to me the first time, I get sad even before I know what's going on. For the last few years it has lead to early bed-times and restrictions at home. What? My angels? Challenge their teachers? Argue with the confidence of adults? dig their feet in stubbornly? Use vocabulary beyond their years? And wrap it all in logic? Super N and Miss E seem to reflexively test the boundaries of new teachers. My dynamic duo have also demonstrated an uncanny ability to rouse the rest of the class into helping them gang up on new teachers; I'm sure one hands out pitch forks and torches while the other comes up with slogans and promises candy to all who help out. I usually have to call my kids off of the adults and remind them that no matter how smart they think they are, they need to respect the authority figure in the classroom. This has been the SOP for the last 3-4 teachers they've had.

So I was pleasantly surprised today because the "first report" made everyone happy. I made a big deal out of it. Super N blew me away even more when he told me how he read during recess at school today. This is a HUGE accomplishment. Reading is only a little less torturous than folding laundry to this kid.

It was fun to brag on him. He twinkled and skipped all evening as we ran errands. I love how twinkly he was, his blond hair sticking up in all directions, big smile which shows missing teeth, and the glow of accomplishment.

I had Friday off. Vacation day, not holiday. ( Read more... )

I finished the race. I didn't break any records or suddenly qualify for pro, but I brought it.

( Reader's Digest = glug, grunt, grind, gnaw, gasp )

I feel so full of life and potential. Instead of being drained, I feel charged up.

At the end of the month we're doing the Susan G Komen "Race for the Cure" in San Francisco. It's one of the ways in which I support finding a cure for Breast Cancer. Yay! Woot! Yay!

And when I say "we" I mean the kids, F and myself. Admittedly F may need to bail, but the kids and I are going. We have a team web-page, too.

Link to Team Page because (drum roll) everyone should join us!

I have a shirt project I'm doing the weekend we go camping. I'm going to get a blank t-shirt and get the little girls (and big girls) in my life to put their hand prints on it so we can wear them on race day.

Because at this point I'm not really racing for me, I'm racing for our daughters and neices.

And then I'm going to figure out how to link my OTHER racing to breast-cancer awareness and fundraising. Maybe I could make a racing jersey with boobs painted on it...
:-D

Saturday is the Olympic Tri at Pacific Grove.

I have no idea what to expect from myself.( Read more... )